Brave And Courageous

Late this past fall, Marty took Jack to see the movie "Courageous". It had quite a big influence on our Man-child and recently, as it has hit the stores on DVD, Jack has been longing to watch it again. Jack's birthday is in just a number of weeks. He will soon be fourteen years old. Sometimes, I wonder where my little boy with the blond curly hair has disappeared. Today, Jack is a tall, confident young man with one foot already stepping into his future. I know God has amazing plans for our son, but I am also aware that I must be more committed to prayer than ever before. Like other young boys his age, my son is stepping into a world that is fighting a culture war that is darker than ever.The enemy seeks to destroy my son and steal his innocence. And Satan will use every tool available to get to bring Jack down. Friends. Music. The Internet. Even television. Especially television.

Just this week, we were watching a new TV show called "Smash", and I was reminded that there is no escape from the enemy's assault on my young son's heart and mind. Jack loves the theater. Naturally, this new show seemed like a great way for us to watch something on TV together. After all, it's a show that depicts how a fictional Broadway show comes to the stage. We watched the pilot last week and there were a few scenes that gave me pause. Even so, we were able to discuss how the characters were behaving and how they might choose differently if they cared as much about God as they did fame and success.

Unfortunately, this week, I am afraid we saw more than we can tolerate. Suddenly, and without warning, the scene shifted from an a woman in the middle of an audition, to she and the director heating up the sheets in the bedroom. I was mortified! The scene was graphic. Very graphic. In fact, there was virtually nothing left to the imagination. And there was not time to change the channel. By the time Marty had reached the remote, Jack had already gotten an eyeful and he was visibly uncomfortable. So much for innocence!

They say, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Young men today are bombarded with images that are designed to desensitize them to nudity and encourage them to dabble in acts of intimacy that are suppose to be limited to a man and his wife. The images on the television were a troubling reminder that Satan will use any and all means necessary in order to distract Jack and make him as ineffective as possible. After all, Satan is cunning and he knows Jack's name. He knows Jack's weaknesses. He fears Jack's potential. I am foolish to assume otherwise. And the Bible warns us that “the eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light". (Matthew 6:22) In essence, good stuff in, good stuff out. And bad stuff in...you get the picture. Needless to say, we will be deleting the timer for "Smash" on our DVR.

As a mother and a woman of faith, I have to step up my game and pray daily for my son's purity if he is to stand in this culture of "anything goes". At the risk of sounding like one of those "church ladies", I am sickened by the lack of moral boundaries in our society today. In fact, I wonder if we, as a nation, have gone beyond the point of no return. It's not hard to see how we got to this place of depravity. I just wonder if there is a way out.

Then I realize, it begins with my son. His generation has the power to change our direction. In him, I see a love for Christ and a desire to obey that is stronger than most adults I know. God is calling tomorrow's men to be strong and courageous! For they will do great things that will bring God glory.

Today, I went to a Christian bookstore in search of Jack's birthday present. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but I knew it had to be special. It had to be something that could strengthen Jack in his walk into manhood. Make no mistake, there are many things on which my son could choose to fix his gaze. Unhealthy dating relationships. Pre-marital sex. Nudity and pornography. The world tells my son that all are acceptable. Yet, none of these things are God's desire for a young man seeking after God's best in life. Therefore, I want Jack to have something else to look upon. Something that will remind him whose he is when temptation is lurking. Something that challenges him to be the Jack that God created him to be and to fix his eyes on the things of God. I found a ring with the words "strong and courageous" inscribed upon it. It brought to mind a verse I hope Jack will live by as he grows and takes his place in God's Kingdom. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." (Joshua 1:9)

When Jack was a little boy, we discovered he had a heart filled with courage. He loved to play with Rescue Hero action figures and enjoyed pretending to be a Super Hero. Spiderman was his favorite! As he grew, we saw that same courage manifest itself as he stood his ground with bullies both for himself and on behalf of his friends. Now that Jack is a teenager, he will need that courage like never before.

That is my prayer for my son...courage. Strong. Unmoveable courage. The kind of courage that only comes from being a man who follows after God.

One Step Closer

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity. In mid January, we had our homestudy. Just days later, we were accepted at the agency. Then we were placed on the "waiting couples" list. With several birthmothers due in the next two months, I have allowed myself to hope that we might be chosen and our baby might be with us soon. In my quiet moments alone, I imagine how that story might unfold and pray for it to come true. But today, I am newly aware that our wait has only just begun. And I have no idea how long we will be in this holding pattern.

We are now in our "second trimester" of being paper pregnant. You know, that time period where one begins to prepare for the baby's arrival, but life is strangely the same as it has always been. That's where we are. It's a time of waiting. Only this time, I am not watching my belly grow bigger and I don't have a due date marked on the calendar. In fact, it seems a bit like time is standing still. The truth is, we could be waiting a very long time.

I know it sounds crazy, but I miss our baby and I have never been good at waiting. Throughout the day, I pray for our birthmother. Sometimes, I go to the agency website and click on the pictures of other families waiting for their little ones. I think about the scrapbook that I made that will one day be placed in front of the young lady in my prayers. Then, I usually wonder to myself, "Why would she pick us?" I mean, when she looks at those pictures, what does she see? Does she see a couple who has already been blessed with three children? Is that all that she will see? For if that is indeed what she takes away from our photos, she might choose to glance over them and dismiss us completely.

Perhaps, she might decide to pick a couple without any children at all. And, let's be honest. Who could blame her? I mean, to her,it may appear selfish that we are asking for another child after being so richly blessed already. I understand there are couples that are waiting to become parents for the first time. I understand that she may want to give those couples the opportunity to become a family. I might even feel the same way if I were her.

Still, I long for our baby. And I am praying she will look more deeply at the pictures of our family. I pray she will really look at our hearts and see how much we love each other and how much we want this child to be with us. Jack, Lily, and Sofie are so excited for a baby brother or sister. Marty and I are dreaming of having another little one. And I am depending on God to reveal us to our child's birthmother. In the deepest most fragile places of my heart, I cry out, "Dear Father...let her see us. Really see us."

Just before our homestudy, I listened to a song that is from the Twilight Series. Now, I have a confession. I don't like vampire movies, so I am probably the only woman in America who has not seen the movies. I didn't even know that the song was from Twilight. But the words got my attention and made me think of our chosen child.

Lyrics to "A Thousand Years" by Christina Perri

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling don't be afraid
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along, I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Lately, every day feels like a thousand years. All day long, I wait for the phone to ring. And every day, it stays silent. At least in regards to the one call I want most to receive. So, I pray for strength and patience to persevere and endure this waiting period. This second trimester that seems endless. For God promises us "for you, a thousand years are as a passing day, as brief as a few night hours". (Psalm 90:4 NLT)

So, today, I am reminded to to go back to the beginning. The LORD called us to adoption. God has grown this child in our hearts and He won't forget that we are here...waiting. Even if it seems as though we are on a journey that could take a thousand years, we are one step closer! Thank you for praying with us as we wait.


Just in case you are as clueless as I am in regards to Twilight, here is the song. I am thinking of making it my ringtone for our agency.

A Masterpiece

"I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well." Sofie uttered these words to me softly as I tucked her into bed the other night. With a sweet smile on her face, she shared with me a beautiful truth, a scripture, she had practiced at church that evening. I looked into her honey brown eyes and told her how I thought God was "showing off" the day he made her and that I was super lucky that He chose me to be me her Mom. Then, I kissed her goodnight, turned off her light, and closed her door behind me. It was one of those mountaintop moments as a parent. My heart was bursting with praise and gratitude for my daughter was beginning to understand who God made her to be.

But as with so many challenges in parenting, I was quick to find we had taken one step forward only to go two steps back. For, the very next evening, I was drying tears that were the result of some cruel remarks made by a careless classmate. Words like "ugly" and "terrible" pierced her heart and wounded her spirit in ways that made me burn with anger. It didn't matter that the words weren't true. What mattered was how Sofie felt about those words...and the effect they had on her once they had been uttered.

She was devastated. Then and there, I acknowledged that we had a long way to go if Sofie's self-image was going to be firmly rooted in Christ. Gently, I reminded her of the truth she had shared with me only the night before. "Who made you, Sofie?" I whispered softly. I wanted her full attention. "God did." "That's right," I replied, "And what does God say about you?" Once more, she recited Psalm 139:14. I continued, "God says you are wonderful. It doesn't matter what other people say. Their words only matter if you let them matter. I know they hurt. But don't let them tell you who you are. Only God can do that. He never uses words like 'ugly' or 'terrible' when he speaks of you."

Today, Sofie left for school a bit more tense than usual. Her face revealed a heart that was unsettled and nervous. I took her small hands in mine, kissed her forehead and prayed over her. And as she walked out the door, I reminded her, "Be the Sofie that God made you to be...for you are fearfully and wonderfully made." Truly, she is a masterpiece. I know that full well. Even if she has forgotten.

While she has been at school, I have done a bit of word study. The Bible says we are "fearfully and wonderfully made". But what does that mean exactly? My daughter needs to know. Perhaps we all could use a reminder. Here is what I found...

Fearfully means to "stand in awe", "to cause astonishment", "to inspire reverence".
Wonderfully implies we are "wonderful, distinct, distinguished, set apart".

In essence, God is saying that each and every one of us is a masterpiece, created by Him, to bring Him glory. By His hand, we were created. And by His Word we are said to be...
Astonishing.
Inspiring.
Wonderful.
Distinct.
Distinguished.
Set apart.

Like Sofie, the truth is short and sweet. Indeed, we are ALL fearfully and wonderfully made. In a word...Sofie is a masterpiece. So are you.

With Love

With a warm cup of coffee in my hand, I glanced at our December calendar and took a deep breath. Then, I decided that today was going to require something more than caffeine. This evening, alone, I have to be in three places nearly all at once. It seems that most days this time of year look the same.

Wrapping.
Decorating.
Baking.
Parties.
Shopping.
Concerts.

"How did I let it get away from me again?" I think to myself.

Don't get me wrong. It's all good stuff. Still, every year, in the midst of the Christmas crazies, I begin to feel a bit unraveled. And every year, right about now, I begin to reassess how Christmas is going to look for our family. Clearly, I can't do it all. And, if I choose to chase after the insignificant this Christmas season, I will miss the most important thing of all...Christ, himself.

So I am taking a close look at our family calendar and I am desperately trying to scale back our "have to's" in order that we might spend more time celebrating our Savior. The world is fighting back. Hard. Commercials, marketing gifts I can't afford, bombard me and my children throughout the afternoon. Images of the "perfect" Christmas mock me as holiday movies replay on my television. And then there is the decorating. So. Much. Decorating. Still, I am holding my ground. I simply refuse to let Christ be lost in the middle of the chaos.

Over the years, I have placed some simple anchors in place to keep our family grounded in the real reason for the season. Our Nativity, a treasure from my childhood, sits in its usual place in the hallway, so that it might greet us as we walk through the door. Each evening, our family gathers together, if only for a few moments, and we read a Christmas devotional and countdown to the "big day". And every Sunday, we sit at our dining table and light a candle on our family Advent wreath. Still, I long for more. This time of year, my heart desires to look upon Christ and worship him for all that he is and all that he has done.

When I read the Christmas story quietly and simply ponder the beauty of that silent night over 2,000 years ago, I am reminded that Christmas is about just one thing. Big love. Jesus humbly left his throne in Heaven. He came as a baby and was born of a teenage Virgin. Christ, fully man yet also divine, led a sinless life and then offered that life as a sacrifice for me. He took my sin and my place on a Cross, so that I might be reconciled to God. By his sacrifice alone, I have eternal life in the presence of the LORD. It's a free gift from my Savior to me. And he did all of this for love.

So, this Christmas, I will follow the example of my Savior. In the middle of the busyness, I choose to "do everything in love". (1 Corinthians 16:14) As I hustle through the obligations that will not go away, I will take my Jesus with me. This Christmas season, in all I do, with everyone I meet, I choose to show the love of Christ. And while I hope to conquer the items on my "to do" list, I aspire to greater things as well. There is still time to trim the list and make a little more room for my Savior. After all, it is HIS birthday for which we are preparing.

Perhaps, you have a calendar that looks like mine. Maybe you have a list in your head of what you feel "must" be done to make this a "merry Christmas". This year, I challenge you to prayerfully sift through the distractions. You can't do it all. The best part is, you don't have to. This is one Christmas party where you are free to just come and be. For, Christ has already prepared everything that really matters. And he did it, for you, with love.

Merry CHRISTmas!

Wait For It

One of my favorite characters is from a television show called "How I Met Your Mother". The character is a smarmy guy named Barney Stinson and his favorite one liner is "Wait for it..." Those words are especially relevant to me today.

Just when I thought the paperwork phase of our adoption was behind us, we had a few minor setbacks this week. First, we learned that our biological children will require a tuberculosis screening before we can schedule our home study. Dutifully, I contacted our family doctor and scheduled the tests for early next week.

Then, I learned today that I have to fill out an extensive health history form on...wait for it...each child. Browsing through the details required on these forms, I took a deep breath and felt like I was going to cry. It seems that so much about adoption is "hurry up and wait". I have never been good at waiting. Not for my birthday. Not for Christmas Eve. And not for our baby. Now, our home study which was tentatively scheduled for next week will have to be delayed. "It's God's timing," I whisper to myself, though I felt like screaming.

An hour or so later, Jack walked through the door and heaved a heavy sigh. He had been waiting all day to learn his part in the UIL spring play at his middle school. Earlier in the week, he had finished two auditions for one of the lead roles. The results were suppose to be posted right after school. To his dismay, a delay has caused him to wait for two more weeks.

As I listened to him share his disappointment and sensed his frustration, I searched for words of encouragement. "Jack, waiting is hard," I said gently. "Whether you are waiting for your birthday, for Christmas, or for a baby...waiting stinks! Still, sometimes, we are called to wait. Never forget, son, that God has already placed you in the part that will bring him glory. Waiting won't change that." Suddenly, I felt as though I was talking to myself.

The hard truth is, sometimes we must wait. And it's hard. However, during a season of waiting, it is important that we remember that God is still in control. Even in our waiting.

For, "those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)

His timing is perfect and "he has made everything beautiful in his time".(Ecclesiastes 3:11)

So, "wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD" (Psalm 27:14)

Long ago, the world, covered in darkness, was waiting for a Savior. We are told that "when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman." (Galatians 4:4) Jesus Christ was born in order to fulfill God's plan of salvation. It was true then. And it is true today. In His time, the LORD will see his plans through to their completion.

Perhaps you are like me and my son. Maybe you have a need or a desire in your heart that simply cannot arrive fast enough. Remember to fix your eyes on Heaven and know you are not forgotten. Remain patient, steadfast, and strong. Sometimes we must wait for it.

Hide And Seek

When I was a little girl, one of my favorite games was "hide and seek". The best games happened on warm summer evenings in my grandpa's backyard. For hours, my brother, my cousins, and I searched for covert hiding places as we tried to avoid being found by whomever was "it". Patiently, we waited for the best moment to run "home" and be "safe". It was big fun!

Sometimes, life feels a bit like a game of "hide and seek". Unfortunately, it isn't as much fun these days, as the stakes are so much higher. As we stumble in this dark world and attempt to find our way through life's trials, we sometimes get overwhelmed and discouraged.

So what are we to do when our greatest desires seem to be hiding in the dark? First, we must cling to hope. Even in our hardships, God is at work behind the scenes, preparing us for promises yet to be revealed. Despite the appearance of our circumstances, we must choose to fix our eyes on the LORD and faithfully follow His lead. Indeed, these troubles are temporary. They shall pass away and a new day shall arrive. Ultimately, God is in control.

God never hides His will from his children. We are directed to "seek and you shall find". (Matthew 7:7 NIV) When life gets messy, as it often does, we must hide in God's word and seek after Him. Scripture tells us that our "light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:17-18) Even as we encounter darkness, the LORD is doing more than we can see or imagine. As we wait for His plans to unfold, we must choose to look with faith filled eyes.

In our darkest night, we can find comfort in the knowledge that God knows right where we are. For nothing is hidden from God.

Calm In The Storm

If you haven't guessed it yet, the road of adoption is exciting and terrifying all at once.

It had been a long day. An emotional day. Our interview with our adoption agency had taken most of the afternoon. The questions were personal. The answers required raw honesty. And I was left exhausted. So after a hot bath, I went to bed. Early. And I expected to remain asleep until the cruel alarm demanded that I wake and get the kids ready for school.

But just two hours after I had fallen into a deep sleep, I suddenly woke with my mind racing. It was as if the enemy was right up in my face whispering every vile lie about who I am to discourage me from proceeding any further with our adoption. Every insecurity, every doubt, every fear about the road we are on seemed to grip my heart in this moment, and sleep was off the table.

So, I prayed and I trembled with God as I confessed every thought...

"What if I am too old to be the mother of an infant?"
"What if I won't be a good mother to this baby?"
"What if the baby never accepts me as his mother?"
"What if the changes a baby brings to our family turns our home upside down?"
"What if they decide that my past mistakes disqualify me for adoption?"
"What if the the social worker decides to reject us?"
"What if this dream becomes a nightmare?"

What if, what if, what if...

I felt myself dripping in sweat as I crawled out of bed and attempted to clear my head. I went to the solace of my laptop and began writing. Even my favorite hobby couldn't quiet my fears. I wrote down every doubt, every fear, every worry. A blog update and a couple of hours later, I was still awake. I wondered if I would sleep at all this night. I imagined how tired I would feel in the morning and I asked God to help me find some peace. Then, I went to submit an article and noticed an early morning devotional had already arrived in my inbox.

I clicked the link.

I scrolled down.

And I read...

“He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” Matthew 8:26 (NIV)

Tonight, the waves are more than I can handle. And I am reminded that I don't have to be afraid because God's "got this". The Lord is bigger than me. He is bigger than my fears. And he is big enough to handle the waves of fear that are crashing around me right now.
He rebukes my insecurities.
He quiets my fears.
He commands that my peace be restored.
He assures me that all is well.

How grateful I am that Christ never leaves me alone in the boat. Jesus is my calm in the storm.