Thursday, December 1, 2011
Calm In The Storm
If you haven't guessed it yet, the road of adoption is exciting and terrifying all at once.
It had been a long day. An emotional day. Our interview with our adoption agency had taken most of the afternoon. The questions were personal. The answers required raw honesty. And I was left exhausted. So after a hot bath, I went to bed. Early. And I expected to remain asleep until the cruel alarm demanded that I wake and get the kids ready for school.
But just two hours after I had fallen into a deep sleep, I suddenly woke with my mind racing. It was as if the enemy was right up in my face whispering every vile lie about who I am to discourage me from proceeding any further with our adoption. Every insecurity, every doubt, every fear about the road we are on seemed to grip my heart in this moment, and sleep was off the table.
So, I prayed and I trembled with God as I confessed every thought...
"What if I am too old to be the mother of an infant?"
"What if I won't be a good mother to this baby?"
"What if the baby never accepts me as his mother?"
"What if the changes a baby brings to our family turns our home upside down?"
"What if they decide that my past mistakes disqualify me for adoption?"
"What if the the social worker decides to reject us?"
"What if this dream becomes a nightmare?"
What if, what if, what if...
I felt myself dripping in sweat as I crawled out of bed and attempted to clear my head. I went to the solace of my laptop and began writing. Even my favorite hobby couldn't quiet my fears. I wrote down every doubt, every fear, every worry. A blog update and a couple of hours later, I was still awake. I wondered if I would sleep at all this night. I imagined how tired I would feel in the morning and I asked God to help me find some peace. Then, I went to submit an article and noticed an early morning devotional had already arrived in my inbox.
I clicked the link.
I scrolled down.
And I read...
“He replied, ‘You of little faith, why are you so afraid?’ Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm.” Matthew 8:26 (NIV)
Tonight, the waves are more than I can handle. And I am reminded that I don't have to be afraid because God's "got this". The Lord is bigger than me. He is bigger than my fears. And he is big enough to handle the waves of fear that are crashing around me right now.
He rebukes my insecurities.
He quiets my fears.
He commands that my peace be restored.
He assures me that all is well.
How grateful I am that Christ never leaves me alone in the boat. Jesus is my calm in the storm.